“Don’t think. Thinking is the enemy of creativity. It’s self-conscious and anything self-conscious is lousy. You can’t try to do things. You simply must do things.”
—
Ray Bradbury
“No one is going to rescue you from yourself—your inner demons, your lack of confidence, your dissatisfaction with yourself and your life. Only self-love and good decisions will rescue you.”
— Jenni Young
So instead of seeing your depression and anxiety as a form of madness, I would tell my younger self—you need to see the sanity in this sadness. You need to see that it makes sense. Of course it is excruciating. I will always dread that pain returning, every day of my life. But that doesn’t mean the pain is insane, or irrational. If you touch your hand to a burning stove, that, too, will be agony, and you will snatch your hand away as quickly as possible. That’s a sane response. If you kept your hand on the stove, it would burn and burn until it was destroyed.
I dreamt about you last night. Normally this would be a good thing, a sweet thing or an amusing thing. Currently, it’s showing me just how much I’m losing control. I pride myself in self control. No outbursts, no emotions, no sexual needs or desires, nothing. It made life easy. Easy has departed however. I blame you (because it’s fun to) but it’s all me. I’m tired of living for everyone else. I reduced myself to an idea of what used to be me with a glimmer every so often peaking out. You caught that glimmer and wouldn’t let go. Now I struggle not to touch you, not to sit too close, not to anything. I’ve never had to be so calculated in every movement I make around someone. I don’t like it but do not want to push you away either.
My fingertips scream as I pull them away from you for the millionth time. I try to convince my body what I have is fine. The person I am with is enough. It’s not. I’m screaming inside. I’m greedy. I want you both. I need to reduce this hunger to a whisper. I’m not sure that is even possible at this point.
I found someone I never thought I would meet again. She is difficult and complicated. Snarky and so very easy. She is beautiful in her own way and has a laugh that can change people. Her heart is huge, her wallet small her ideas are finally crashing out. Her freedom oozing from every pore she is scared of life around her. Always at fault, always a mess always never doing enough. She is learning to fight through so much of her self hatred. I have you to thank for the introduction after your tired, useless words. She has learned her love can not be strong enough to keep the two of you floating along in the murk. She gave you the float and a kiss on the head and decided to swim to shore alone. Two has always been stronger in the past but this time not so much at all. Stay strong dear love as you find your way, hopefully our paths will recross. In the meantime, thank you so very much for introducing me back to myself. I think I’m in love.
